And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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