The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
