i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
