also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
