I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
