i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
