I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
A+ Viking dick
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
