Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
