A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
