my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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