I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
