i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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