last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
