Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
