i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
