I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
