life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Randomize
