I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
