Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
