I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
