There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
