im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
