My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
