I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
