I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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