Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
