Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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