just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
