I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
