I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
