omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
