So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
