i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he quoted the bible to break up with me
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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