I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
