I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
