I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
