I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
