We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
