so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My ATM looks so different sober.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
