sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
