Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
