Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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