god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
