from now on my penis is your penis
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
