that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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