Sponge bath it is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
