She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
