My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
