remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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