we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
