what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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