I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
