happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
