Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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