If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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