remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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