I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We named our party play list daddy issues
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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