Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
