i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
